It has taken me a long time to write this post because there is so much to say in regards to this person. There is over 10 years worth of friendship and history in my brain that I just cannot erase. So many memories and things to recollect. He knows I’m writing this, and usually I would be mortified because I am spilling out every emotion known to man. I always say I’m going to say all of this to his face, but It never seems to come out. I wish I were able to have word vomit around him; letting everything spew out at once. But I can’t. I get mute. So now I’m at the point where it’s like, “FUCK IT!” just let it flow. It is what it is. I don’t care if what is said makes him so uncomfortable that we never talk again. All cards will be on the table and that’s all I care about, even if it means our relationship becomes null and void.
Where to start. Well, let me start from present day and work my way back.
Presently: I care about him a lot, like A LOT! Probably more than I should. Kind of on the verge of being absolutely, madly in love. The kind of love that no matter what this person does, you forgive them in a nano second. The kind of love where you would do anything, like a silly, young teenage girl who would do anything to keep the attention of her school-girl crush.
It’s bad. It’s pretty bad. After so many years, I’m still getting the butterflies on the phone or through text. Knowing I’m going to see him freaks me out. I can’t. I don’t want this feeling anymore, but it won’t go away. What does that mean?
Hanging Out: It’s always a good time. Other than when we have hated each other or wanted to wring each other’s neck, we always laugh, joke and have a great time. It’s hard to find people, no matter what the relationship or connection, who genuinely get along and whose personalities click the way ours do. At least that’s how I feel. Maybe it’s one-sided, and that’s the problem I have. I feel like everything is one-sided. Probably because I never have the conversation with him to find anything out, but I’m scared! I’d rather not know and forever have the friendship than stir the pot….kind of like I am right now!
The Past: First attraction-high school. Did he pay me any attention? Of course not! But it was fine. At that point being a friend and being there for him was more important. He was dating a friend of mine. Jealous? Yes! But I was okay with being that shoulder for him to lean on. High school ends, I move onto college. Introduce him to one of my really good friends. Why? Because I’m crazy! They hit it off. Jealous? Duh! But I had other things going on in my life that made everything else irrelevant. Bottom line, I watched him be with everyone else. I’m a glutton for punishment LOL. But seriously, I am.
Future: There are things that happen in life that are out of our control. Certain things happen that become permanent and there’s nothing you can do about it. People AND life move on, with or without you. That’s what my future is. That’s what it always is. No matter who the person is, life moves on without me and it’s gone, forever. Can’t really explain the feeling or the issue, but it just is. The way things used to be, it will never be that way again. It will never be the same. Everything that I had going on in my life hasn’t changed, other than me moving across country, which is kind of a big thing. But everything for him has changed, and that’s changed my prospective on him. Not in a bad way, just in the way I perceived things would end up being. But what can you do? I’m a very firm believer in everything happening for a reason. Just like my byline says: Maybe everything was meant to be this way.
Bottom Line: I love him. I’ve loved him from the beginning. I wish the love was reciprocated. I wish he felt the same. I wish things could go back to the way they were before I decided to venture 3000 miles across the country. I wish he didn’t live there and I lived here. I’m trying to make the feelings go away, but it’s hard. I’ve tried.
Not a fairy-tale ending, but it’s my ending….for now.