Wow. It’s been an emotional few days for me. Not really sure where it’s all coming from, but after having a day or so to settle down and get back into my routine, I’m able to think a little more clearly. And hopefully writing about this will bring more clarity as well. Where to begin….
Usually when I go back home, there’s always a reason; whether it be a birthday party or baby shower or funeral. But most recently I went home for a few days because I coincidentally had the time off, and contrary to what everyone thought, there was really no rhyme or reason for me going home. I have been homesick for a few months now and I just needed a dose of “home” to cure my homesick blues. That’s exactly what I got…..and more.
Per usual, I made it known through social media that I would be home so I could reach out to friends and possibly connect while I was home. Many friends reached out to me and it concluded in a little inpromptu brunch at my mothers house. It turned from a small get together to a full house of family and friends. It was amazing! Just to hear a house full of laughter and good times was so comforting to me. I missed the times of being with my family and friends that I have known for 10+ years. This is where I belonged.
Aside from the brunch, I was able to hang out with other friends in different settings. A lot of times when I go home and I connect with friends, it’s as if we never had distance or time between us. This visit for me was no different. I also got to see some of my exes and have some in depth conversations. Most of which made me do a lot of thinking. (I’m very close to my ex-boyfriends and they are very close to my family). But there was one conversation with, he’s technically not an ex, but a very “close”, long-time friend that affected me the most. What I interpreted from the conversation and what he actually said may have been two different things, and it wasn’t really what he said that made me look at things differently, but more so how I felt. I felt like I didn’t want the moment to end or the time I was spending with him to end. I felt happy and excited. I felt comfortable and spontaneous. I felt at ease and accepted. There were tons of emotions. And although I realized I may have been reading too much into what was actually happening, the entire situation gave me hope. Maybe not hope with him, but hope in my lovelife in general. Wow, that was an “a-ha” moment that I hadn’t had until just now.
Should I be back in Maryland or stay in California?
See, my problem has been this. When I lived back east, finding love or acceptance from a man was never a problem. Having my “needs” met was never a problem. I left Maryland because I wanted a change of environment. I wanted to have better opportunities for my career. I found that in Cali. I love my job here and I love the endless possibilities. But now, I’m lacking what I had before. I’m lacking the love-life aspect. I try to look into my future to see if I can picture myself married or expanding my family and I don’t see it. I don’t see it in the cards for me here in California. What I don’t want to be is alone. I want to experience love and marriage. But will it happen here? I have no clue. I don’t feel that it will, but I’m not a psychic; I can’t predict the future. All of these thoughts combined with how I was feeling about that “friend” I talked to was all bottled up and EXPLODED when I was on the plane. I cried and cried because I wasn’t sure if what I wanted was being passed up because I was in California. My love-life wasn’t an issue in Maryland. So, was being in California forcing me to miss this opportunity? But if I went back to Maryland and the things I hoped happened didn’t happen, would I have moved for nothing? Of course my family is there and I’d be happy being with them, but would I become complacent? And every time I go back east to see my friends there’s always excitement because we haven’t seen each other all year. If I moved back and saw them on a consistent basis, would that excitement change? And would life be the way it was before I moved 4 years ago? But at the same time, I’ve seen death and I know life is short and being in California is forcing me to miss these precious moments and memories with friends that I will never get back if something were to happen to them. Ughhhh!! I was so confused! That is….until I talked to my mother. She reminded me that I need to hold on to the moment and cherish the memories of the weekend. What God has meant for me is for me. It doesn’t matter if I’m in Maryland or California, what God has destined for me is going to happen regardless of where I am. Yes, being home for the weekend opened my eyes to a lot of things, but I can’t force anything. Everything has to fall into place the way it’s supposed to and I can’t think with an emotional mind or heart. That’s exactly what I was doing. My chest was so tight and in so much pain. I could physically feel the heartache. But ya know, despite the conversations I had or the feelings I have, what’s meant for me is meant for me. Instead of feeling confused because I don’t know if I am where I should be or need to be, I need to find comfort in knowing wherever God leads me is where I am meant to be. Whether that is leading me back to Maryland, keeping me in Cali, taking me to another state or leading someone here to me….what’s meant to be will be. I can’t rush or force it. I simply have to wait on the Lord. Thanks Mom.
So, my heart is open, it’s no longer heavy. My mind is clear, it’s no longer clouded. My tears have dried up, I exude happiness. And although I wish life came with a handbook, or I could fast forward to the future, I know what I am looking for will come in due time. And maybe, just maybe what I actually WANT isn’t what I NEED and that’s why things aren’t panning out the way I’d like for them to. I have to be grateful that some things didn’t work out the way I once wanted them to. Good looking out God, I know at the end of the day, you’ve got my back!