After my last YouTube video, where I mentioned at the end that I am medicated for anxiety and depression, I had a few people come to me and say they had no idea. That’s a good thing! I don’t specifically walk around with a sign that says, “I’m medicated!”, so how would you know unless you’re a close friend or family? I try not to make it too obvious, I want to be incognito with my crazy meds. Lol. But with so many people asking questions, it sparked me to write this post and share my story.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been in some kind of depressive state. It started as a child; being ignited by self-esteem issues that stirred up pretty early on in my childhood. Although I had plenty of friends and relatively seemed happy on the outside, there was a lot I was dealing with internally. Children don’t mean to be harsh and rude, they don’t really understand the impact their words have. But the things they say, whether jokingly or not, can sting for a lifetime. There were two things I was teased for growing up; my last name and my height. As far as my last name, I could deal with that, because I could laugh it off with the others. But my height was a little more sensitive, because it was something I had no control over. Aside from one other classmate, up until high school, I was always the tallest girl. Hell, the tallest student…period! I would get told that I could do a cartwheel and kick God in the face, or I was called the jolly brown giant, or they said my boyfriends would have to stand on a curb to kiss me. All the jokes made me feel like I wasn’t acceptable the way I was…and later on in life, this would only be the beginning of a domino effect of other insecurities. It was going to get worse waaaaay before it got better.
From there, I was made fun of because I was told I had a big head and a big forehead. That’s a true statement, I do, but at a young age I didn’t know how to embrace that. I thought it made me weird, otherwise why was I being teased about it? It made me insecure. But I love my head now! Moving into high school, my body was the focal point, because I wasn’t shaped like the rest of the girls. I had boobs, but no butt (still don’t have one lol) and I was shamed for that. Talk about being dragged through the mud for pretty much your entire genetic makeup! I just simply wasn’t good enough. And that’s how I would feel moving forward, for years, even well into my adult years.
My insecurities eventually began to affect my relationships. I constantly needed reassurance that I was good enough as I was. But, after while that became tiring for my significant other. Most women don’t know this, but men are attracted to confidence. If you don’t have confidence, you can forget it! Ask any man. Anywho, the annoyance of my insecurities even led to verbal and physical altercations between me and my ex-boyfriends. And as you can guess, that didn’t help my insecurities, it hindered them and made my depression that much more severe.
My depression brought me to my lowest point my senior year in high school when I threatened to kill myself because of rumors that were being spread about me that simply were not true. I told my mom I was going to jump off the balcony or walk out into traffic. I was fed up, I was tired and I didn’t want to be here anymore. My mom didn’t know what to do, so I was admitted into an adolescent psych ward for my ENTIRE spring break. I was miserable there, but I learned a lot. I also learned that there were others who were doing far worse than me.
Once I left the psych ward, I was put on medication. I was on that medication for years and for whatever reason stopped taking it. Bad mistake. Moving forward I would have spells where I was depressed for weeks; I couldn’t work, I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t function. All I wanted to do was stay in the bed. If I was asleep and my brain was cut off, I was okay. If I had to get up and interact with others, I’d have a breakdown. I wasn’t aware that the breakdown was my depression mixing with anxiety, until last year. I didn’t even know I suffered from anxiety until last year when I had the worse breakdown I’ve ever had! It was so bad, I was considering getting admitted for treatment. But instead, I went to talk to a psychiatrist and he put me on a mood stabilizer….it saved my life.
Before this new medication, I was moody, irritable, unhappy and struggling mentally. There were times when I would lash out on others and I was downright mean. I’d snap on my son for no reason and I’d be down on myself afterwards. But now, I see life differently. A lot of people say you shouldn’t depend or rely on medication, but this medication has changed my world. If it allows me to function and live life happily, then I’m all for it.
My advice to others: if you don’t feel like yourself and you feel that it’s not only impacting you, but those around you, there’s no shame into talking to someone or a professional. Furthermore, because children in school these days can be such bullies, talk to your children daily and see how they are feeling. You never know what things are being said to them that could stay with them and mess them up mentally for life. Sometimes it seems like what’s being said is trivial, but you can’t tell someone how to feel and if what they feel is justifiable to cause depression. Lastly, if you are on the outside looking in on someone else’s depression or anxiety, the best remedy is a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. A lot of people don’t know how to help someone with depression or anxiety. News flash: you can’t! Just listen and let them pour their hearts out. But do it in a judgement free manner. The worse thing you can do to a person with depression or anxiety is judge them.
So, there you have it folks! That’s my story. I’m doing much better these days, but I’ve had some dark days. There have been times where I didn’t want to continue on or push through. But I had to look at the bigger picture and realize I have a son who needs me and needs me to be functional. Don’t be selfish. Be brave! Anything you’re going through, you’ve got this! And don’t forget it.